i am so full of shit. just give in to work.

weed is a big part of my life! hahahhahaha

say bad things about people only in their presence.
don't make fun of tragedies happening somewhere else.

mere kiye hue karm mujhe aage leke jaaega. mat daro, sab thik hai. zindagi jeenewaalon ki hai. all is well.

time to get real. what can i think of myself doing for the next 5 years? math music physics biology political activism what? i need to get a job and support myself. i would love to stay in a place and build a life. apparently men are not part of my life. i think i should focus on getting an academic job, either a post doc position or faculty. so i have cut it down to fewer tasks. it is a good thing that he told me to get out of here. i have to focus on possible postdoc oppurtunities. i cannot work in a lab, i can do simulations. and i can model phenomena. but that is boring. i love music, i do, but it is release. i love men, but i dont like it when they try to control me. i hate garbage, i love math. i love reality. i love labs. i need to learn something new. that i love. find something that i love. go in the direction of increasing love.

this is life, i cant be here for ever. life is movement. life it growth. but think. am i ready to go back home? i will have to analyse my options and spend some time analysing myself. but i should handle it better this time.

the things i want to do

make a list of places that i want to apply to and that have workable departments and are in decent cities.
find out about their hiring policies
make a subset of hirers accepting bulk applications
make a cv, do it good. write a good research statement.
finish a paper.
write a project proposal on the crowding protein problem.
make a list of grants that i can apply to.
all by june.