time to get real. what can i think of myself doing for the next 5 years? math music physics biology political activism what? i need to get a job and support myself. i would love to stay in a place and build a life. apparently men are not part of my life. i think i should focus on getting an academic job, either a post doc position or faculty. so i have cut it down to fewer tasks. it is a good thing that he told me to get out of here. i have to focus on possible postdoc oppurtunities. i cannot work in a lab, i can do simulations. and i can model phenomena. but that is boring. i love music, i do, but it is release. i love men, but i dont like it when they try to control me. i hate garbage, i love math. i love reality. i love labs. i need to learn something new. that i love. find something that i love. go in the direction of increasing love.