mere kiye hue karm mujhe aage leke jaaega. mat daro, sab thik hai. zindagi jeenewaalon ki hai. all is well.

time to get real. what can i think of myself doing for the next 5 years? math music physics biology political activism what? i need to get a job and support myself. i would love to stay in a place and build a life. apparently men are not part of my life. i think i should focus on getting an academic job, either a post doc position or faculty. so i have cut it down to fewer tasks. it is a good thing that he told me to get out of here. i have to focus on possible postdoc oppurtunities. i cannot work in a lab, i can do simulations. and i can model phenomena. but that is boring. i love music, i do, but it is release. i love men, but i dont like it when they try to control me. i hate garbage, i love math. i love reality. i love labs. i need to learn something new. that i love. find something that i love. go in the direction of increasing love.

this is life, i cant be here for ever. life is movement. life it growth. but think. am i ready to go back home? i will have to analyse my options and spend some time analysing myself. but i should handle it better this time.

the things i want to do

make a list of places that i want to apply to and that have workable departments and are in decent cities.
find out about their hiring policies
make a subset of hirers accepting bulk applications
make a cv, do it good. write a good research statement.
finish a paper.
write a project proposal on the crowding protein problem.
make a list of grants that i can apply to.
all by june.

screw this shit. i'm going to find a job, live a life, and come back to research some day if i want to.

dreary loveless life. i am in love with a child man. who used to call me a bitch for not calling him every other hour. but he loved me, like he loved his mother. he wasnt too bad, he was quite sweet in fact, and loved me a lot, beyond my grasp. what made me so miserable though? i was sexually frustrated, definitely, he never did satisfy me, grinding on top of me for a few minutes. after 6 years, there was no chemistry, and no hope of chemistry. i slept with him so i wouldnt hurt his feelings. but i loved him. so why did i give up? and when i did, why can i not move on? the weeks months and years roll by, one day i will wake up and realize im an old woman, still clinging to a distant memory of true love, of a child man. maybe i live in the hope that he will grow up, in my absence and somehow rectify everything.

phoenix marketing services. They had been draining his bank account, he had signed up on some website that promised him 200 dollars worth of coupons in walmart and target and costco. these coupons never arrived. instead it was ads from magazine companies wanting him to subscribe to their bulk magazine subscriptions. soon his pigeon hole was stuffed with basketlball magazines, of all things. poor guy, saw a little humour in it but nevertheless decided to keep it to himself. he somehow justified the whole thing to himself. and let it fester like a little bug at the back of his mind. month after month they kept withdrawing money from his bank. one month they withdrew it twice.

stuck in an inertial mess again. need to program. NOW.

the public can identify itself with the government, like for instance, if you ask most people in the US, they are either democrat or republican. The government in turn, likes to identify itself, pinpoint the source of its politics, thereby defining itself as the opposite of the opposition. So eventually the public will end up getting more polarized.

he had watched every single episode of southpark. based on the flavour of the day, drew would choose the episode of southpark he wanted everyone to see. without making it really obvious. i am not sure he was even conscious that he was doing it. for instance, sexual tension meant an episode involving blow jobs or old fashioneds, mars rover landings on the news or the maids rants about  alien holograms on earth would mean an alien related episode. This pattern was essentially an undercurrent, many brains in a small room, thinking the same thing.
One often suspected drew of being far more intelligent than he led people to believe. Something deep and mischievous.
i lived in drew's house sporadically. he let me hang out there when i wanted a dose of the city. I am not sure what he got in return, guess he just wanted someone to hang out with. but i had a job to keep, and couldnt let myself hang out to dry completely, ever. So i never thought of making the stay permanent. and it worked out. it was time to get serious though, get wet my toes in the mainstream again.