phoenix marketing services. They had been draining his bank account, he had signed up on some website that promised him 200 dollars worth of coupons in walmart and target and costco. these coupons never arrived. instead it was ads from magazine companies wanting him to subscribe to their bulk magazine subscriptions. soon his pigeon hole was stuffed with basketlball magazines, of all things. poor guy, saw a little humour in it but nevertheless decided to keep it to himself. he somehow justified the whole thing to himself. and let it fester like a little bug at the back of his mind. month after month they kept withdrawing money from his bank. one month they withdrew it twice.

stuck in an inertial mess again. need to program. NOW.

the public can identify itself with the government, like for instance, if you ask most people in the US, they are either democrat or republican. The government in turn, likes to identify itself, pinpoint the source of its politics, thereby defining itself as the opposite of the opposition. So eventually the public will end up getting more polarized.

he had watched every single episode of southpark. based on the flavour of the day, drew would choose the episode of southpark he wanted everyone to see. without making it really obvious. i am not sure he was even conscious that he was doing it. for instance, sexual tension meant an episode involving blow jobs or old fashioneds, mars rover landings on the news or the maids rants about  alien holograms on earth would mean an alien related episode. This pattern was essentially an undercurrent, many brains in a small room, thinking the same thing.
One often suspected drew of being far more intelligent than he led people to believe. Something deep and mischievous.
i lived in drew's house sporadically. he let me hang out there when i wanted a dose of the city. I am not sure what he got in return, guess he just wanted someone to hang out with. but i had a job to keep, and couldnt let myself hang out to dry completely, ever. So i never thought of making the stay permanent. and it worked out. it was time to get serious though, get wet my toes in the mainstream again.

Sense of Entitlement.

I admit, I get my giggles by calling other people's bullshit. But it is a private pleasure, so I am OK with it. Of late I have met various american people and have heard them talk, and if you were to choose the one stereotype about the quintessential american, it is that he, or she, loves to talk, to confess. They love holding a moral upper ground. Its something we are familiar with in India, it is the exact thing that Gandhi understood and exploited. It comes from a deep rooted sense of entitlement, that if you do 'good' things, you get good things. You worked hard today, so you need more things. You deserve more things. You earned it. You have money because you are good, and so people should listen to you. You are only to do your karma, without questioning it, and that should be enough. The rest is bhagwan ki marzi. Karma is a complicated word, it can be moulded to suit one's convenience. I am certainly guilty of doing this, but every once in a while I understand that karma is the enactment of the truth. To never be lazy and to constantly question one's actions, seek the truth, understand actions and consequences, but never let the thoughts paralyse you into inaction. It is the pursuit of an ideal level of engagement of mind and action, a pursuit of consciousness. It is Work.

It was too cold for a tshirt and a hoodie. Crick in neck, she braved the wind a little, and tried to calm her nerves by smoking a cigarette. By then all the cottons she carried smelt of cigarette smoke. It was warm every where else, but San Francisco. She was woefully underprepared for what was to come.
The last two days were spent at the Fillmore jazz festival. San Francisco always had some event or the other going on. There were events to commemorate events. She was never one to commemorate anything, but didn't have any complaints. Except for the weather.

of all the senses, you can resist touching tastin seeing and even smelling something. But sound always gets through.

life is a discovery of our own minds

If I really do want to be a karma yogi, I must not follow this path anymore. i must change tracks, because I believe it is right. I must not remain here merely because it comes under the veil of doing your duty. Sometimes, you have to isolate and identify your true duty. My current path is one which I do not have any ability to walk in, I am really doing anything with my potential here because of various reasons. Howver, I must complete my responsibilities. I must have a talk with my boss about it and come to a conclusion about what to do with my life with the end of the year.By next June, I should aim to be out of here. This is an uphill task, I have to dedicate one more year to obligations. And postpone taking a true path to june. Its like I have signed a lease.

The inability to concentrate may stem from not finding a reason to work. According to the stuff I've just been reading, which I don't want to explicitly mention lest I am found by googling zealots, is that one is always at odds with working because it doesn't feel moral. We find an inconsistency always, and feel like part of the system, part of the evil, when we work to get money. On the other hand, if we work for people, we feel bad because we seek to please people and make people happy and hence have a feeling of pride, we seek respect, fame. Whatever may be the work that we do, we are selfish. The route out of this moral dilemma is suggested by X, the ungooglable. X says that if we work selflessly, not justifying, or rationalizing, not trying to please, but merely following our instinct and uncovering the moments of the day, as if we are reading a book, instead of wondering whether to read the book or not, then even if it feels selfish in the beginning, you will reach a state of selflessness. We are supposed to trust X about this. This is an intereting idea. On reading it, I feel a sense of calm overcome me at once. Whatever happens, one must not give in to inactivity. To read this book is the goal of every aMa. The idea suggests that we should not take anything too seriously, we should not bind ourselves to anything. Most work is like that. Karma is just stuff that happens. When we fall in love, or feel deeply about something, we bind ourselves to something. That happens only once in a while. Everyday stuff is pretty mundane, but all X is saying is that sometimes you need to know some pretty crazy grammar if you want to read a complicated book, and you have to do the work for it. Maybe consciousness is this strange external force, which does not want to infuse itself into the physical world. I am not sure I agree with all of this, but it surely is a fascinating and complicated notion.

i'm trying to adopt a life of discipline and control my desires. its super tough.

I have been reading Manusmriti, and it leaves me with conflicting feelings. There are a few verses in it, which are essentially to do with who is included in the brahman class. One has to perform certain austerities, and is then included. Anyone who does not, is excluded. But what is the real function of a brahman? Why would people want to be included in this class? A promise of "insurpassable bliss". Freedom from care and worry. There is no mention of kindness, or love, or service to people in what I have read so far. It is like a set of rules, some formula, which has been passed n for generations. The rules of manu is the organization of religion and society, a set of formulae given to society to make them obey something greater than themselves without question. By subjugating their desire, they overcome their guilt. According to this text, satisfying any desire creates guilt, one feels really bad about oneself, and then one practises the rule of something bigger, therefore punishing oneself and not allowing desire to be fulfilled. Contrast this with a tribal and simple religion, where love is the primary driving force. The antithesis of love in this world, may actually not be hate, but guilt.

need an exit strategy. and an entry strategy.

the assassin

people here are emotionally fragile.

whats in a name after all. they were trying to name the kid, as if it has some great importance. affected by her name for the rest of her life. name became an apellation. s became beautiful, gs lived for his wife. k became kind. m became sweet.

use of public spaces in mysore, bangalore. lower level information dissemination. instead of starting high, start low. build from below. 

ever wonder that you are one being weeded out of the system? an aunt of mine once said, you knows epidemics like sars, the doctors should sometimes let it take over. you know, one must understand , it will solve the population crisis. if they cant survive, let them die.

maybe its because i'm dealing with the fact that there is no such thing as love. maybe we were never in love. the pain is gone. and now there is an empty hole that is waiting to be filled.

unable to work. unable to function. pushing postponing procrastinating. maybe i should give up. it is easy to be here bcause he allows us to just be and doesnt push us. he has nothing to gain from our success so expects us to make our own way. this is a good attitude on his part but i am not motivated to work on this. woman of inaction.

Her work is inferior. It is distracted and lazy. She seems to show no inclination to improve. If these people don't show initiative, then why should I help them? They come here and we cannot say anything to them or they will cry foul. I have had it upto here with their crocodile tears. They spend all morning covering their faces with powder. Look there, another one, wearing that tight jeans and tight t shirt. i can even see her nipples. thu. she has no shame. she wants boys to look at her breasts. hmph. thank goodness kumuda doesnt wear such clothes. i sometimes thank god that i have an ugly daughter. there is one less worry in my life. i am confident that i will find a boy for her. she is thin now, and hardly has any breasts, but these days that is the fashion. and she is only 18, these days people wait till 25 also to get married. she has time.

why are we desperate for excitement?

superpower, clairvoyance

the boy will win, always. he will get it. will you put up with it? do you really want to draw attention to yourself? in a burqa. purdah.

the white guy is the leader. will i be jealous? someone else always wins. will i be jealous?

chemistry is when two people look at each other and know they should fuck. biology is when it all gets fucked up.

someone who lived in the fringes of society can never publish a book, correct?

research heirarchy your idea my labour. your direction my submission. your guidance my obeisance. oh masterji. we all need ways to justify the money we are paid. the system, the market, determines our value and pays us money.

i want to live in a world, when my husband comes home and tells me he slept with someone because he was overcome by some deep evolutionary need to spread his seed, i would find it funny. and when i tell him i met someone who could make me come when he looks at me, then he doesn't throw an unholy tantrum. maybe we could find this funny, and laugh about it. uncivilized? french? organic? i dont know. i yearn for freedom though. mukta.

life of brian. brian inadvertantly becomes a leader. he is made a leader by people who need something to think about. theyhave no other real work. they have made their riches, and are just sitting around exploiting people and making up weird ways of making money. then they think up a leader. someone with charm to entice a crowd, someone who is righteous enough to believe that he was meant to lead. i am every man every woman. I am the anonymous one. The world will not take away my anonymity. I will publish this piece of shit work. for free. and you will not be able to track me. dont police me. i am india and i refuse to change.

he makes me feel guilty, every time i say bye. then he can say oh but you always have to go, you have no time for me. he makes me say bye first. he waits. sits quietly and creates the tense atmosphere. he does it. not me. i know he does it. maybe i do it to some people. no i don't. he does it.

the generic indian boy's name : raju. right?
theres a raju in every 50's blacka nd white movie. raj kapoor in shri 420 was called raju.
what is the generic indian girl's name?
sita? paro? the girl. every girl.  maa bhen bitch barbie doll saali saasuma.
Shaili.lived in malluland. father acoholic. mother passive. she had no ambitions. has raw intelligence, but afraid of violence. gets a job as a accountant immediately after finishing bbm. she's utterly boring. what can be interesting about her?

write as the observer
no judgement
no self obsession and ranting
very very real

For the longest time, I've been meaning to write a story about a girl growing up in india. I want her story to reflect the hypocrisies and idiosyncrasies of society. I want it to be a biting commentary, without being preachy. I want it to achieve this by humour irony contrast and sarcasm, i want it to make men and women feel ashamed about what they are. I want it to shame them into becoming better people, or dying out of sheer self disgust. i want to do this anonymously.
I have never written a story before and have never been considered a writer or any great merit. At the end of every book I wonder if the author lived the story, or knew the plot before starting to write it, let it take its own course. I can imagine that writing for such long periods of time can be a journey of self discovery. Indeed, this must be one of the reasons that people write.

beautiful creatures

i fixed my webcam. the solution was ridiculously simple, i found it on a forum. the fn-esp key switches the webcam on and off and mine was off. this is ridiculous. i could have fixed it months ago and thought it was a problem with the kernel and instrument. i was even contemplating buying a new webcam. goes to show, if you sit long enough and decide to fix a problem, it gets fixed. simple truths. my incompetence seriously stems from my laziness.

My workplace is dumb. I think I have understood what she was trying to tell me. Why continue in a place where you are forced into a position where you have to pretend to be dumb? One can be oversensitive though. The world is a battlefield, there is no period of calm. One can never let one's guard down, as a single woman. Thats why we end up being bitches. Go to a place which enriches you. Or create a world around you that is positive and enriching. Or go with the flow, whatever.

trying to fix my goddamn webcam at long last.

yes, somebody still uses blogger. i dont wanna tweet, i dont wanna follow people, i dont want web wars, i just wanna rant!

i'm in a quantum state of existence. never settling, always in limbo, delocalized, exended, trying to feel the world around me.

the people can re-elect someone like narendra modi. a leader who is heavily biased towards the majority and dangerous for the minorty. this can easily discredit democracy. how does it matter if democracy's name is sullied anyway. the point is that it is unfair. whenever somebody talks about change, these words are thrown up. threatens democracy, goes against the koran, is anti gandhian, is illegal, unconstitutional.

if hillary clinton flies around the globe 24 times she is applauded for her statesmanship. however if pratibha patil does is, then she is wasting government money. why is this so?  maybe if kalam visited all those countries, then people would not have minded so much, they would think he was outgoing and swashbuckling or whatever. so, what is it about pratibha patil? is it because we consider her incompetent? what does kalam have that pratibha patil doesn't? a penis?what is the role of the president anyway?

so hilary clinton comes to india to mediate discussions of water between india and bangladesh. why?

what is the use of journalism and media? it seems to me to be vain and attention craving. seeking approval as righteous. it remains to be seen if media really changes the world. why is writing about miserable lives of people for rich people to read considered useful?
help doesnt come from above. strength comes from within.

all i ever wanted was for good things to happen to people. yet my good intentions got the better of me. what have i ever got in return for good intentions? my parents go to the temple and pray and pray with great looks of devotion as they close their eyes and fold their hands. they pour their feelings out silently into a desperate prayer. yet what good did it do? how would one ever verify that good intentions actually lead to results. good intentions are a lazy effort. yet i cannot discount the power of the network around me. after all, whose life isnt a result of a series of seemingly random events that irreversibly changed things? but i fail to see how inaction and mere good feelings or whatever can actually affect the network.

people have gotten tired of my rants. i'm 32 and too old to be a single indian woman. people dont give me attention anymore. this has its pros and cons. one the one hand, it can be quite lonely. on the other, i can think of what i actually want to do with my life.

american science is WEIRD. i got caught up in the physics of it. should get serious and make it my profession.

In the true land of nut jobs, I'm slowly becoming one.