of all the senses, you can resist touching tastin seeing and even smelling something. But sound always gets through.

life is a discovery of our own minds

If I really do want to be a karma yogi, I must not follow this path anymore. i must change tracks, because I believe it is right. I must not remain here merely because it comes under the veil of doing your duty. Sometimes, you have to isolate and identify your true duty. My current path is one which I do not have any ability to walk in, I am really doing anything with my potential here because of various reasons. Howver, I must complete my responsibilities. I must have a talk with my boss about it and come to a conclusion about what to do with my life with the end of the year.By next June, I should aim to be out of here. This is an uphill task, I have to dedicate one more year to obligations. And postpone taking a true path to june. Its like I have signed a lease.

The inability to concentrate may stem from not finding a reason to work. According to the stuff I've just been reading, which I don't want to explicitly mention lest I am found by googling zealots, is that one is always at odds with working because it doesn't feel moral. We find an inconsistency always, and feel like part of the system, part of the evil, when we work to get money. On the other hand, if we work for people, we feel bad because we seek to please people and make people happy and hence have a feeling of pride, we seek respect, fame. Whatever may be the work that we do, we are selfish. The route out of this moral dilemma is suggested by X, the ungooglable. X says that if we work selflessly, not justifying, or rationalizing, not trying to please, but merely following our instinct and uncovering the moments of the day, as if we are reading a book, instead of wondering whether to read the book or not, then even if it feels selfish in the beginning, you will reach a state of selflessness. We are supposed to trust X about this. This is an intereting idea. On reading it, I feel a sense of calm overcome me at once. Whatever happens, one must not give in to inactivity. To read this book is the goal of every aMa. The idea suggests that we should not take anything too seriously, we should not bind ourselves to anything. Most work is like that. Karma is just stuff that happens. When we fall in love, or feel deeply about something, we bind ourselves to something. That happens only once in a while. Everyday stuff is pretty mundane, but all X is saying is that sometimes you need to know some pretty crazy grammar if you want to read a complicated book, and you have to do the work for it. Maybe consciousness is this strange external force, which does not want to infuse itself into the physical world. I am not sure I agree with all of this, but it surely is a fascinating and complicated notion.

i'm trying to adopt a life of discipline and control my desires. its super tough.

I have been reading Manusmriti, and it leaves me with conflicting feelings. There are a few verses in it, which are essentially to do with who is included in the brahman class. One has to perform certain austerities, and is then included. Anyone who does not, is excluded. But what is the real function of a brahman? Why would people want to be included in this class? A promise of "insurpassable bliss". Freedom from care and worry. There is no mention of kindness, or love, or service to people in what I have read so far. It is like a set of rules, some formula, which has been passed n for generations. The rules of manu is the organization of religion and society, a set of formulae given to society to make them obey something greater than themselves without question. By subjugating their desire, they overcome their guilt. According to this text, satisfying any desire creates guilt, one feels really bad about oneself, and then one practises the rule of something bigger, therefore punishing oneself and not allowing desire to be fulfilled. Contrast this with a tribal and simple religion, where love is the primary driving force. The antithesis of love in this world, may actually not be hate, but guilt.

need an exit strategy. and an entry strategy.