the assassin

people here are emotionally fragile.

whats in a name after all. they were trying to name the kid, as if it has some great importance. affected by her name for the rest of her life. name became an apellation. s became beautiful, gs lived for his wife. k became kind. m became sweet.

use of public spaces in mysore, bangalore. lower level information dissemination. instead of starting high, start low. build from below. 

ever wonder that you are one being weeded out of the system? an aunt of mine once said, you knows epidemics like sars, the doctors should sometimes let it take over. you know, one must understand , it will solve the population crisis. if they cant survive, let them die.

maybe its because i'm dealing with the fact that there is no such thing as love. maybe we were never in love. the pain is gone. and now there is an empty hole that is waiting to be filled.

unable to work. unable to function. pushing postponing procrastinating. maybe i should give up. it is easy to be here bcause he allows us to just be and doesnt push us. he has nothing to gain from our success so expects us to make our own way. this is a good attitude on his part but i am not motivated to work on this. woman of inaction.

Her work is inferior. It is distracted and lazy. She seems to show no inclination to improve. If these people don't show initiative, then why should I help them? They come here and we cannot say anything to them or they will cry foul. I have had it upto here with their crocodile tears. They spend all morning covering their faces with powder. Look there, another one, wearing that tight jeans and tight t shirt. i can even see her nipples. thu. she has no shame. she wants boys to look at her breasts. hmph. thank goodness kumuda doesnt wear such clothes. i sometimes thank god that i have an ugly daughter. there is one less worry in my life. i am confident that i will find a boy for her. she is thin now, and hardly has any breasts, but these days that is the fashion. and she is only 18, these days people wait till 25 also to get married. she has time.

why are we desperate for excitement?

superpower, clairvoyance

the boy will win, always. he will get it. will you put up with it? do you really want to draw attention to yourself? in a burqa. purdah.

the white guy is the leader. will i be jealous? someone else always wins. will i be jealous?

chemistry is when two people look at each other and know they should fuck. biology is when it all gets fucked up.

someone who lived in the fringes of society can never publish a book, correct?

research heirarchy your idea my labour. your direction my submission. your guidance my obeisance. oh masterji. we all need ways to justify the money we are paid. the system, the market, determines our value and pays us money.

i want to live in a world, when my husband comes home and tells me he slept with someone because he was overcome by some deep evolutionary need to spread his seed, i would find it funny. and when i tell him i met someone who could make me come when he looks at me, then he doesn't throw an unholy tantrum. maybe we could find this funny, and laugh about it. uncivilized? french? organic? i dont know. i yearn for freedom though. mukta.

life of brian. brian inadvertantly becomes a leader. he is made a leader by people who need something to think about. theyhave no other real work. they have made their riches, and are just sitting around exploiting people and making up weird ways of making money. then they think up a leader. someone with charm to entice a crowd, someone who is righteous enough to believe that he was meant to lead. i am every man every woman. I am the anonymous one. The world will not take away my anonymity. I will publish this piece of shit work. for free. and you will not be able to track me. dont police me. i am india and i refuse to change.

he makes me feel guilty, every time i say bye. then he can say oh but you always have to go, you have no time for me. he makes me say bye first. he waits. sits quietly and creates the tense atmosphere. he does it. not me. i know he does it. maybe i do it to some people. no i don't. he does it.

the generic indian boy's name : raju. right?
theres a raju in every 50's blacka nd white movie. raj kapoor in shri 420 was called raju.
what is the generic indian girl's name?
sita? paro? the girl. every girl.  maa bhen bitch barbie doll saali saasuma.
Shaili.lived in malluland. father acoholic. mother passive. she had no ambitions. has raw intelligence, but afraid of violence. gets a job as a accountant immediately after finishing bbm. she's utterly boring. what can be interesting about her?

write as the observer
no judgement
no self obsession and ranting
very very real

For the longest time, I've been meaning to write a story about a girl growing up in india. I want her story to reflect the hypocrisies and idiosyncrasies of society. I want it to be a biting commentary, without being preachy. I want it to achieve this by humour irony contrast and sarcasm, i want it to make men and women feel ashamed about what they are. I want it to shame them into becoming better people, or dying out of sheer self disgust. i want to do this anonymously.
I have never written a story before and have never been considered a writer or any great merit. At the end of every book I wonder if the author lived the story, or knew the plot before starting to write it, let it take its own course. I can imagine that writing for such long periods of time can be a journey of self discovery. Indeed, this must be one of the reasons that people write.

beautiful creatures

i fixed my webcam. the solution was ridiculously simple, i found it on a forum. the fn-esp key switches the webcam on and off and mine was off. this is ridiculous. i could have fixed it months ago and thought it was a problem with the kernel and instrument. i was even contemplating buying a new webcam. goes to show, if you sit long enough and decide to fix a problem, it gets fixed. simple truths. my incompetence seriously stems from my laziness.

My workplace is dumb. I think I have understood what she was trying to tell me. Why continue in a place where you are forced into a position where you have to pretend to be dumb? One can be oversensitive though. The world is a battlefield, there is no period of calm. One can never let one's guard down, as a single woman. Thats why we end up being bitches. Go to a place which enriches you. Or create a world around you that is positive and enriching. Or go with the flow, whatever.

trying to fix my goddamn webcam at long last.

yes, somebody still uses blogger. i dont wanna tweet, i dont wanna follow people, i dont want web wars, i just wanna rant!

i'm in a quantum state of existence. never settling, always in limbo, delocalized, exended, trying to feel the world around me.

the people can re-elect someone like narendra modi. a leader who is heavily biased towards the majority and dangerous for the minorty. this can easily discredit democracy. how does it matter if democracy's name is sullied anyway. the point is that it is unfair. whenever somebody talks about change, these words are thrown up. threatens democracy, goes against the koran, is anti gandhian, is illegal, unconstitutional.

if hillary clinton flies around the globe 24 times she is applauded for her statesmanship. however if pratibha patil does is, then she is wasting government money. why is this so?  maybe if kalam visited all those countries, then people would not have minded so much, they would think he was outgoing and swashbuckling or whatever. so, what is it about pratibha patil? is it because we consider her incompetent? what does kalam have that pratibha patil doesn't? a penis?what is the role of the president anyway?

so hilary clinton comes to india to mediate discussions of water between india and bangladesh. why?

what is the use of journalism and media? it seems to me to be vain and attention craving. seeking approval as righteous. it remains to be seen if media really changes the world. why is writing about miserable lives of people for rich people to read considered useful?
help doesnt come from above. strength comes from within.

all i ever wanted was for good things to happen to people. yet my good intentions got the better of me. what have i ever got in return for good intentions? my parents go to the temple and pray and pray with great looks of devotion as they close their eyes and fold their hands. they pour their feelings out silently into a desperate prayer. yet what good did it do? how would one ever verify that good intentions actually lead to results. good intentions are a lazy effort. yet i cannot discount the power of the network around me. after all, whose life isnt a result of a series of seemingly random events that irreversibly changed things? but i fail to see how inaction and mere good feelings or whatever can actually affect the network.

people have gotten tired of my rants. i'm 32 and too old to be a single indian woman. people dont give me attention anymore. this has its pros and cons. one the one hand, it can be quite lonely. on the other, i can think of what i actually want to do with my life.