shouldn't you have something better to do than some boy?

I feel like I am becoming a machine in the hands of something bigger. A tool. A creative tool, my body is hot, my mind is blank and my dreams are blending into my days.

I hit a brick wall. I should stop hitting myself against a brick wall.

I have so much angst. I am just full of complaints about everything. India, men, my parents, my exes, my job, my mother, my younger sister, my 20 year old fuck buddies, the gossiping brats. People, their looks, their smothering love, their opinions.

This guy, touches me, gives me hugs, treats me like a woman and then expects me to not want to have sex with him. He is a guy's guy after all. stop obsessing over him you idiot.

I feel like I am going through a sickness. My entire body is hot. I have been smoking weed. Should not be. Please stop smoking weed. Thats enough. I just want to chill the fuck out.

my parents display a certain characteristic of the rich. arrogance. a sense of entitlement. like the maidservant need not celebrate ganesha chaturthi, and has to be home early for our puja. my mother has the demeanour of a queen. she is a true beauty, by any standards. she had fair skin, and to many in her land that would be a good enough characteristic of beauty.

Never Be Formulaic

Always Question the Prevailing Rhetoric

Never Bow

Be Strong

You were born for this

i am a chauvinist as far as science goes. Biology is just classification and pure mathematics is pedantic.

Physics is awesome. And Chemistry. Heat, Energy, Thermodynamics. You can understand the world by following the flows of energy.

humans derive strength from the solidity of the ground. from immovable objects. A strong back needs a hard mattress. breasts need a human bra.

now that i am in india

i have no more need of

bollywood.

appetite for the undigestable
is slowly getting satisfied

old labs new ideas

admin terrace
granite fortress glass palace

people

doing whoever whatever however.

my aim in physics is to understand what has been done. my job is to make day to day phenomena understandable to people. to develop a way of thinking that is compassionate because it understands. very often we commemorate people, but people are just accidents. my mind is not as interesting as the universe. of course, people are very complicated, and that could be interesting. but physical phenomena are far more tractable. design simple experiments to enunciate beautiful truths. the truths of science can change the perception of a child. when they are right there for you to see. what they do with that knowledge is a different thing. they may become religious because some things are too difficult for the brain to comprehend, and there are always questions and more questions. in a way science is utter madness. like, you shove a word like entropy on to people, then what are you going to do with it? huh? what entropy? heat and thermodynamics. that is a nice problem, just do it. think of scalable experiments that enunciate the concept beyond any doubt.

end game

It has been too long. this has to be done. tonight. it is not impossible. i have had drugs, i know more or less whats what, i can make considerable progress tonight if I sit it out. Will keep this space updated. Here I go!

I am going crazy. My head is full of details. Get them out. Get the details out. Fast.

all i want for my birthday is to finish this paper.

the state of my work, is my primary dictator of mood. so many drugs, is unsustainable. you are going to pay for this addiction. finish the work and stop it. it has to stop. 2 days. do as much as you can now. calm down. breathe. you are getting paranoid. dont smoke any more anything. just chill, breathe, do yoga and exercise, eat well, and regulate yourself. self regulate and self motivate. but be cool calm and collected and dont worry about anything at all. you are not the most important thing. death will come someday, your goal should be to die without regrets. punya sampadane. Community. Be kind to people. Leave the material world. Stop smoking, be kind to animals. Be aware of the world. Do not immerse yourself in your head. Talk to people, fill yourself with happiness. Do not avoid people. Build community, not with the purpose of being powerful. Be good unabashedly. The day you die, you die happy. How to attain that happiness? Drugs, regret? pain? suffer for your sins? follow your heart? be good to people? just be full of happy chemicals till the very end? how to be that way? not by reading books, but by going out and helping people. Not by policy, but by having a muscular empathy, not by writing about it for the rich, but by cutting all through the political bullshit and always helping people in any way. by being innocent at heart, no malice. Sex is a biological urge, just be good to people, be open and honest and brave. Be brave. Be braver. And more brave. Be brave, for your sisters and brothers. Your job is to be brave for people, and to fear nothing.

He wanted to assert his dominance on you from the very beginning. Everything is a game of dominant and recessive. The bond of duality. Male and Female. Covering ass. Adopting a system that is wrong for you. Work baby work. Keep at it. Work as a team but always be separate and brave. read and propogate the right information. There is too much bullshit in the world. The prescription is not to read about the philosophy and pontificate, but to actually DO. yuck, yet i keep ranting about shit and doing nothing. no facebook. limit yourself to your immediate surroundings. go to the schools and colleges. Go to the people. Dont give it some fancy name. Just call it some group of volunteers or whatever. Start a couple of volunteer websites. That can be your start. Look for some non religious ones. No motto and and all that. Just a really good website that is totally usable and will beautifully take off.

First job is conceptualize.

education is a system of selecting for obedience.

 Finishing trouble. Tie it up. Do it now. NOW.

Commemorative. Continuing education of the classics. Originality. Jazz. Chora Vidya. You listen to so many things in a day. You pick from here and there. You put the together in one voice. In one breath. you bring your thoughts, your tunes, your actions, your philosophy, your ideals, your beauty, your land , your inspirations. You cente yourself, and flow.

How do you write about an incomplete piece of work?

You have some findings.
Report them completely.

The problem is there are many findings that do not make sense unless you have the entire structure in mind from the beginning.

So you have to write a story with missing pieces and inconsistencies. Still, first write in words what it is about. Just in words, the entire thing. Even if you dont have all the information.

Love.

Love does drive everything. Complicated things are difficult to love. Beauty is in the simple and small things. I fall in love with simple things, lead a simple life and wait for things to grow and take care of animals, sing languid songs to the peacock at night, smoke a joint and go to sleep to wake up and do the same thing again. The heat makes you smell more flowers, everything happens slowly slowly. mysore. opiates in the air. where instead of top of the morning to you! people greet you with "i hope you're well rested". People followed the rules, rarely had wild dreams of glory and were happy with their placid existence. There was a simple happiness to that kind of existence. It was sustainable. There were no complaints, no problems, as long as you did not have desires. As long as you were simple, and uncomplicated, and innocent as a child. Complicated is equated with something unpleasant, unsustainable, un organic. Utopia of the simple people.

I am intelligent, and capable of processing complicated thoughts but I simplify them, that is my natural instinct. Me, I am complicated, but I like simple. I agree with it, politically.
 One day, a really complicated man came into my life. His was a superior brain, but his psyche was plagued with all sort of maladies. Yet, he seemed incredibly self aware and strong to the naked eye. He claimed to love deeply, yet I felt that his love for me was a game of superiority. He was polyamorous, and I was one of his lovers. It was all completely new to me, I agreed with it, in principle, because it seemed simpler to me than expecting people to control their desires, but I had no desire to be with anyone else. I desired economy, frugality, simplicity. OK, so I'm boring, and the total opposite of AWESOME America, but am I to blame for it?

He had big ideas. They did not involve destruction, but some amount of controlling people. I had to detach myself from him, because it was hurting me. It hurt me to look at him, sometimes, because he did strange and weird things. But he is a sad and lonely person, capable of great things, and in need of love. Thats why he gives so much love. He needs it, for his own survival. Its all give and take for him. Very American. Thats what the culture is about. In India, love is uncondiional. Not only love, but fidelity is uncondtional.

My own relationships in India were complicated on their own. I felt trapped in some of them, although I was deeply attached and invested in the relationship. It drove me to find someone to heal the pain i was going through because of it. I commited adultery. My man could not come to terms with it. It broke him to think I could even think of being with someone else. Nobody he knew felt the pain he felt. There is no one to talk to, in a culture where it is taboo to have nothing but overwhelming all powerful and unbreakable love for the person you have chosen to be with.

You are your own person. You love things in your own way. Do not leave the simple life behind. Beat your mental demons with yoga.

He is a slut. He is not gonna change. I have to leave him. But dont throw him out. He is vulnerable. Be careful, everyone deseves love.

Best things I've heard in America:

Cold? This is not cold! Cold is when you can rub your chin and give yourself a shave!

Its awesome and awful at the same time. Look at it. You love it and you hate it. You gotta love that.

Me: So what are you doing today?
18 year old: I have a meeting with my co-founder.

And everything changes forever, again.

India, chaos, heat and dust. Hello my love!

My job is to help people. I should be simple and not too ambitious. Then I can achieve something. Look at Jill, what she does is doable, and she is so happy. Just be simple.

I just want someone who I can trust not to flip out. Maybe I flip out way too often.

Seeking someone I could ask 'Whats the secret to your staying unmarried for so long'?

Relax. Work right now.

dont become a robot, on drugs, doing, moving forward and being self obsessed. go to india, spend time with family and friends. be soft hearted. do things slowly. don't get bloated and try to do too many things. slow and steady is always better. don't apologize for taking your time and being your own person. dont blame people for not being able to work with you. be happy, be generous, give love, be humble. just chill chill just chill.

forget about him. no cohabitation. no relationship, please. its over after he leaves. play your saxophone.

as a scientist you get paid for your curiosity, and you have a responsibility to pass it on to the world in a responsible way. learn more, learn the relevant problems, read, more and more and more. keep it alive, it really is a wonderful way to live your life.

Don't be so desperate. Chill. Chill.

you join academia, you teach fundamental physics and mathematics. the student minds are fired up. they want to go to america, the scientific place, where none of this phantasmagoria exists. they want to do research, get a phd and join academia. its not necessaily science that you choose, but a lifestyle.an escape from the regular world, a place to socialize, drink beer with people who earn quite a bit. academia in india is a previlege of the few. do you have the guts to not get into it? to be out. to live outside, in the regular world. move countries if you have to, marry the one who helps you be happy and peaceful, take care of the young, be calm, relaxed, cool and see the joy, not the pressure. be confident about your science, revel in your curiosity.

the world will no longer give you what they think you deserve. you will have to ask for it. business. corporate. capitalist.

tambrahms gone rogue.

Everybody is full of dumb advice about being a scientist. Invariably the advice is by post docs who have seen the bullcrap that the research world is actually. However, they are in the game, and too invested in it to quit. They then try to find some reason to make it all sound worthwhile, and often their advice sounds like a load of utter crap.
Many years ago, I started loving science because of how it opened my mind. I loved patterns and loved the abstraction of physics, and its predictive power. In India, just being a scientist seemed to be a big enough thing to do, because the world we live is fraught with superstition and all sorts of preconceived notions and myths that people mistook for the truth. The mental darkness that people lived in is astounding, so it seemed like a big feat just to want to be a scientist. And since I am a woman, it seemed more pertitnent that I should just exist as a a rational and strong presence and that would be enough to justify my existence.
After a while though, everybody gets drawn into the great machine that has its throbbing heart in the united states of aggressive mediocrity. Academia. One starts a PhD, invests heart and soul to go after a passion, comes out with a fried brain, broken heart and no career prospects. 

I want to beat that bastard in his own game. by the age of 43, I am going to be a full professor being wooed by everybody and well loved. I am going to start industry and help people and I am going to kill the man's ego. it will die. The man will not win. I will choose my allies well.

subversion. undermine the existing system. never stop working. just keep reading and doing stuff. apply for all the jobs you think you may be useful for. be honest about your capacities. let them pick you. this has to be done though. so once the paper is done, do this. next, you have to continue your struggle to subvert the existing system. you have to keep doing science and learning and teaching and finding ways to improve stuff constantly, irrespective of what people say and how much money you have. you have to have a few hours of your day dedicated to this. take drugs if required. i dont care. work is the only thing. relentless pursuit.

All my life, the guys have had nearly perfect bodies. None of them were ever fat, or had a belly. At least, when I got attracted to them, it was totally physical, initially. This one, I was troubled when I saw him first, there was nothing. Then we started talking. We kissed, I was horny, we fucked, and he was excellent. He is a strange and difficult man, who props himsef up on drugs, but he is authentic. He has not tired of me yet, he continues to lick my clit  many times over while we make love. I should make it a point to love him and be kind to him, above all. love is kindness and understanding. He is beautiful. Listen to him, absorb his words and let them turn you on. He does enough to turn you on anyway. When he licks your clit, give in to the pleasure. Do not be angry with him. You are angry a little because he tried to control you then, indulging a stupid plan of his. He should have known better, but I must forgive this mistake. Why? Because I believe, I have a weird feeling, that the two of us can be something great. We may separate or be together. But something good has brought us together for the present.

Work harder. work more. work till your stomach burns and your head churns.

Laziness and Pride go hand in hand.


Her last relationship did not work out. Her partner insisted that their life be an open book. She opened herself, but he could not accept some things he saw and tried to change them. This made her resentful over the years. She reacted by keeping things to herself, which then became a practised art, leading to deception, and the inevitable downfall of their relationship.
She thought the world of herself. People had always told her so. Right from school when all she heard was "jamba jaasti" from the girls who would pinch her cheeks to watch them turn red. She did not know how to let go of her pride. Pride is a disease. It comes from a deep rooted insecurity, as it is a tool to protect one's inner self. There is an awareness of one's own weakness. An acute awareness of the loss of control, of being in over one's head and not being able to admit it. Insecurity is the presence of uncertainty. How do we deal with the presence of too many uncertainties? By being decisive. By identifying those uncertainties that can be resolved and making decisions on each of them.

In your life, the first of them is
Getting a job.

Parallelly you need to worry about
Writing the paper.

The things that help you focus are music and yoga so far. You need to jog your brain up from the waking dead. Reading a textbook everyday is a good exercise because your reading skills have drastically dropped. You must read more textbooks.

All you have is the future. The future is yours. Be sunny and bright and never say die.

Eternal wisdom and contentment about the state of affairs.

i am so full of shit. just give in to work.

weed is a big part of my life! hahahhahaha

say bad things about people only in their presence.
don't make fun of tragedies happening somewhere else.

mere kiye hue karm mujhe aage leke jaaega. mat daro, sab thik hai. zindagi jeenewaalon ki hai. all is well.

time to get real. what can i think of myself doing for the next 5 years? math music physics biology political activism what? i need to get a job and support myself. i would love to stay in a place and build a life. apparently men are not part of my life. i think i should focus on getting an academic job, either a post doc position or faculty. so i have cut it down to fewer tasks. it is a good thing that he told me to get out of here. i have to focus on possible postdoc oppurtunities. i cannot work in a lab, i can do simulations. and i can model phenomena. but that is boring. i love music, i do, but it is release. i love men, but i dont like it when they try to control me. i hate garbage, i love math. i love reality. i love labs. i need to learn something new. that i love. find something that i love. go in the direction of increasing love.

this is life, i cant be here for ever. life is movement. life it growth. but think. am i ready to go back home? i will have to analyse my options and spend some time analysing myself. but i should handle it better this time.

the things i want to do

make a list of places that i want to apply to and that have workable departments and are in decent cities.
find out about their hiring policies
make a subset of hirers accepting bulk applications
make a cv, do it good. write a good research statement.
finish a paper.
write a project proposal on the crowding protein problem.
make a list of grants that i can apply to.
all by june.

screw this shit. i'm going to find a job, live a life, and come back to research some day if i want to.

dreary loveless life. i am in love with a child man. who used to call me a bitch for not calling him every other hour. but he loved me, like he loved his mother. he wasnt too bad, he was quite sweet in fact, and loved me a lot, beyond my grasp. what made me so miserable though? i was sexually frustrated, definitely, he never did satisfy me, grinding on top of me for a few minutes. after 6 years, there was no chemistry, and no hope of chemistry. i slept with him so i wouldnt hurt his feelings. but i loved him. so why did i give up? and when i did, why can i not move on? the weeks months and years roll by, one day i will wake up and realize im an old woman, still clinging to a distant memory of true love, of a child man. maybe i live in the hope that he will grow up, in my absence and somehow rectify everything.