he had watched every single episode of southpark. based on the flavour of the day, drew would choose the episode of southpark he wanted everyone to see. without making it really obvious. i am not sure he was even conscious that he was doing it. for instance, sexual tension meant an episode involving blow jobs or old fashioneds, mars rover landings on the news or the maids rants about  alien holograms on earth would mean an alien related episode. This pattern was essentially an undercurrent, many brains in a small room, thinking the same thing.
One often suspected drew of being far more intelligent than he led people to believe. Something deep and mischievous.
i lived in drew's house sporadically. he let me hang out there when i wanted a dose of the city. I am not sure what he got in return, guess he just wanted someone to hang out with. but i had a job to keep, and couldnt let myself hang out to dry completely, ever. So i never thought of making the stay permanent. and it worked out. it was time to get serious though, get wet my toes in the mainstream again.

Sense of Entitlement.

I admit, I get my giggles by calling other people's bullshit. But it is a private pleasure, so I am OK with it. Of late I have met various american people and have heard them talk, and if you were to choose the one stereotype about the quintessential american, it is that he, or she, loves to talk, to confess. They love holding a moral upper ground. Its something we are familiar with in India, it is the exact thing that Gandhi understood and exploited. It comes from a deep rooted sense of entitlement, that if you do 'good' things, you get good things. You worked hard today, so you need more things. You deserve more things. You earned it. You have money because you are good, and so people should listen to you. You are only to do your karma, without questioning it, and that should be enough. The rest is bhagwan ki marzi. Karma is a complicated word, it can be moulded to suit one's convenience. I am certainly guilty of doing this, but every once in a while I understand that karma is the enactment of the truth. To never be lazy and to constantly question one's actions, seek the truth, understand actions and consequences, but never let the thoughts paralyse you into inaction. It is the pursuit of an ideal level of engagement of mind and action, a pursuit of consciousness. It is Work.

It was too cold for a tshirt and a hoodie. Crick in neck, she braved the wind a little, and tried to calm her nerves by smoking a cigarette. By then all the cottons she carried smelt of cigarette smoke. It was warm every where else, but San Francisco. She was woefully underprepared for what was to come.
The last two days were spent at the Fillmore jazz festival. San Francisco always had some event or the other going on. There were events to commemorate events. She was never one to commemorate anything, but didn't have any complaints. Except for the weather.

of all the senses, you can resist touching tastin seeing and even smelling something. But sound always gets through.

life is a discovery of our own minds

If I really do want to be a karma yogi, I must not follow this path anymore. i must change tracks, because I believe it is right. I must not remain here merely because it comes under the veil of doing your duty. Sometimes, you have to isolate and identify your true duty. My current path is one which I do not have any ability to walk in, I am really doing anything with my potential here because of various reasons. Howver, I must complete my responsibilities. I must have a talk with my boss about it and come to a conclusion about what to do with my life with the end of the year.By next June, I should aim to be out of here. This is an uphill task, I have to dedicate one more year to obligations. And postpone taking a true path to june. Its like I have signed a lease.

The inability to concentrate may stem from not finding a reason to work. According to the stuff I've just been reading, which I don't want to explicitly mention lest I am found by googling zealots, is that one is always at odds with working because it doesn't feel moral. We find an inconsistency always, and feel like part of the system, part of the evil, when we work to get money. On the other hand, if we work for people, we feel bad because we seek to please people and make people happy and hence have a feeling of pride, we seek respect, fame. Whatever may be the work that we do, we are selfish. The route out of this moral dilemma is suggested by X, the ungooglable. X says that if we work selflessly, not justifying, or rationalizing, not trying to please, but merely following our instinct and uncovering the moments of the day, as if we are reading a book, instead of wondering whether to read the book or not, then even if it feels selfish in the beginning, you will reach a state of selflessness. We are supposed to trust X about this. This is an intereting idea. On reading it, I feel a sense of calm overcome me at once. Whatever happens, one must not give in to inactivity. To read this book is the goal of every aMa. The idea suggests that we should not take anything too seriously, we should not bind ourselves to anything. Most work is like that. Karma is just stuff that happens. When we fall in love, or feel deeply about something, we bind ourselves to something. That happens only once in a while. Everyday stuff is pretty mundane, but all X is saying is that sometimes you need to know some pretty crazy grammar if you want to read a complicated book, and you have to do the work for it. Maybe consciousness is this strange external force, which does not want to infuse itself into the physical world. I am not sure I agree with all of this, but it surely is a fascinating and complicated notion.

i'm trying to adopt a life of discipline and control my desires. its super tough.

I have been reading Manusmriti, and it leaves me with conflicting feelings. There are a few verses in it, which are essentially to do with who is included in the brahman class. One has to perform certain austerities, and is then included. Anyone who does not, is excluded. But what is the real function of a brahman? Why would people want to be included in this class? A promise of "insurpassable bliss". Freedom from care and worry. There is no mention of kindness, or love, or service to people in what I have read so far. It is like a set of rules, some formula, which has been passed n for generations. The rules of manu is the organization of religion and society, a set of formulae given to society to make them obey something greater than themselves without question. By subjugating their desire, they overcome their guilt. According to this text, satisfying any desire creates guilt, one feels really bad about oneself, and then one practises the rule of something bigger, therefore punishing oneself and not allowing desire to be fulfilled. Contrast this with a tribal and simple religion, where love is the primary driving force. The antithesis of love in this world, may actually not be hate, but guilt.

need an exit strategy. and an entry strategy.