tambrahms gone rogue.

Everybody is full of dumb advice about being a scientist. Invariably the advice is by post docs who have seen the bullcrap that the research world is actually. However, they are in the game, and too invested in it to quit. They then try to find some reason to make it all sound worthwhile, and often their advice sounds like a load of utter crap.
Many years ago, I started loving science because of how it opened my mind. I loved patterns and loved the abstraction of physics, and its predictive power. In India, just being a scientist seemed to be a big enough thing to do, because the world we live is fraught with superstition and all sorts of preconceived notions and myths that people mistook for the truth. The mental darkness that people lived in is astounding, so it seemed like a big feat just to want to be a scientist. And since I am a woman, it seemed more pertitnent that I should just exist as a a rational and strong presence and that would be enough to justify my existence.
After a while though, everybody gets drawn into the great machine that has its throbbing heart in the united states of aggressive mediocrity. Academia. One starts a PhD, invests heart and soul to go after a passion, comes out with a fried brain, broken heart and no career prospects. 

I want to beat that bastard in his own game. by the age of 43, I am going to be a full professor being wooed by everybody and well loved. I am going to start industry and help people and I am going to kill the man's ego. it will die. The man will not win. I will choose my allies well.

subversion. undermine the existing system. never stop working. just keep reading and doing stuff. apply for all the jobs you think you may be useful for. be honest about your capacities. let them pick you. this has to be done though. so once the paper is done, do this. next, you have to continue your struggle to subvert the existing system. you have to keep doing science and learning and teaching and finding ways to improve stuff constantly, irrespective of what people say and how much money you have. you have to have a few hours of your day dedicated to this. take drugs if required. i dont care. work is the only thing. relentless pursuit.

All my life, the guys have had nearly perfect bodies. None of them were ever fat, or had a belly. At least, when I got attracted to them, it was totally physical, initially. This one, I was troubled when I saw him first, there was nothing. Then we started talking. We kissed, I was horny, we fucked, and he was excellent. He is a strange and difficult man, who props himsef up on drugs, but he is authentic. He has not tired of me yet, he continues to lick my clit  many times over while we make love. I should make it a point to love him and be kind to him, above all. love is kindness and understanding. He is beautiful. Listen to him, absorb his words and let them turn you on. He does enough to turn you on anyway. When he licks your clit, give in to the pleasure. Do not be angry with him. You are angry a little because he tried to control you then, indulging a stupid plan of his. He should have known better, but I must forgive this mistake. Why? Because I believe, I have a weird feeling, that the two of us can be something great. We may separate or be together. But something good has brought us together for the present.

Work harder. work more. work till your stomach burns and your head churns.

Laziness and Pride go hand in hand.


Her last relationship did not work out. Her partner insisted that their life be an open book. She opened herself, but he could not accept some things he saw and tried to change them. This made her resentful over the years. She reacted by keeping things to herself, which then became a practised art, leading to deception, and the inevitable downfall of their relationship.
She thought the world of herself. People had always told her so. Right from school when all she heard was "jamba jaasti" from the girls who would pinch her cheeks to watch them turn red. She did not know how to let go of her pride. Pride is a disease. It comes from a deep rooted insecurity, as it is a tool to protect one's inner self. There is an awareness of one's own weakness. An acute awareness of the loss of control, of being in over one's head and not being able to admit it. Insecurity is the presence of uncertainty. How do we deal with the presence of too many uncertainties? By being decisive. By identifying those uncertainties that can be resolved and making decisions on each of them.

In your life, the first of them is
Getting a job.

Parallelly you need to worry about
Writing the paper.

The things that help you focus are music and yoga so far. You need to jog your brain up from the waking dead. Reading a textbook everyday is a good exercise because your reading skills have drastically dropped. You must read more textbooks.

All you have is the future. The future is yours. Be sunny and bright and never say die.

Eternal wisdom and contentment about the state of affairs.

i am so full of shit. just give in to work.

weed is a big part of my life! hahahhahaha