my aim in physics is to understand what has been done. my job is to make day to day phenomena understandable to people. to develop a way of thinking that is compassionate because it understands. very often we commemorate people, but people are just accidents. my mind is not as interesting as the universe. of course, people are very complicated, and that could be interesting. but physical phenomena are far more tractable. design simple experiments to enunciate beautiful truths. the truths of science can change the perception of a child. when they are right there for you to see. what they do with that knowledge is a different thing. they may become religious because some things are too difficult for the brain to comprehend, and there are always questions and more questions. in a way science is utter madness. like, you shove a word like entropy on to people, then what are you going to do with it? huh? what entropy? heat and thermodynamics. that is a nice problem, just do it. think of scalable experiments that enunciate the concept beyond any doubt.

end game

It has been too long. this has to be done. tonight. it is not impossible. i have had drugs, i know more or less whats what, i can make considerable progress tonight if I sit it out. Will keep this space updated. Here I go!

I am going crazy. My head is full of details. Get them out. Get the details out. Fast.

all i want for my birthday is to finish this paper.

the state of my work, is my primary dictator of mood. so many drugs, is unsustainable. you are going to pay for this addiction. finish the work and stop it. it has to stop. 2 days. do as much as you can now. calm down. breathe. you are getting paranoid. dont smoke any more anything. just chill, breathe, do yoga and exercise, eat well, and regulate yourself. self regulate and self motivate. but be cool calm and collected and dont worry about anything at all. you are not the most important thing. death will come someday, your goal should be to die without regrets. punya sampadane. Community. Be kind to people. Leave the material world. Stop smoking, be kind to animals. Be aware of the world. Do not immerse yourself in your head. Talk to people, fill yourself with happiness. Do not avoid people. Build community, not with the purpose of being powerful. Be good unabashedly. The day you die, you die happy. How to attain that happiness? Drugs, regret? pain? suffer for your sins? follow your heart? be good to people? just be full of happy chemicals till the very end? how to be that way? not by reading books, but by going out and helping people. Not by policy, but by having a muscular empathy, not by writing about it for the rich, but by cutting all through the political bullshit and always helping people in any way. by being innocent at heart, no malice. Sex is a biological urge, just be good to people, be open and honest and brave. Be brave. Be braver. And more brave. Be brave, for your sisters and brothers. Your job is to be brave for people, and to fear nothing.

He wanted to assert his dominance on you from the very beginning. Everything is a game of dominant and recessive. The bond of duality. Male and Female. Covering ass. Adopting a system that is wrong for you. Work baby work. Keep at it. Work as a team but always be separate and brave. read and propogate the right information. There is too much bullshit in the world. The prescription is not to read about the philosophy and pontificate, but to actually DO. yuck, yet i keep ranting about shit and doing nothing. no facebook. limit yourself to your immediate surroundings. go to the schools and colleges. Go to the people. Dont give it some fancy name. Just call it some group of volunteers or whatever. Start a couple of volunteer websites. That can be your start. Look for some non religious ones. No motto and and all that. Just a really good website that is totally usable and will beautifully take off.

First job is conceptualize.

education is a system of selecting for obedience.

 Finishing trouble. Tie it up. Do it now. NOW.

Commemorative. Continuing education of the classics. Originality. Jazz. Chora Vidya. You listen to so many things in a day. You pick from here and there. You put the together in one voice. In one breath. you bring your thoughts, your tunes, your actions, your philosophy, your ideals, your beauty, your land , your inspirations. You cente yourself, and flow.

How do you write about an incomplete piece of work?

You have some findings.
Report them completely.

The problem is there are many findings that do not make sense unless you have the entire structure in mind from the beginning.

So you have to write a story with missing pieces and inconsistencies. Still, first write in words what it is about. Just in words, the entire thing. Even if you dont have all the information.

Love.

Love does drive everything. Complicated things are difficult to love. Beauty is in the simple and small things. I fall in love with simple things, lead a simple life and wait for things to grow and take care of animals, sing languid songs to the peacock at night, smoke a joint and go to sleep to wake up and do the same thing again. The heat makes you smell more flowers, everything happens slowly slowly. mysore. opiates in the air. where instead of top of the morning to you! people greet you with "i hope you're well rested". People followed the rules, rarely had wild dreams of glory and were happy with their placid existence. There was a simple happiness to that kind of existence. It was sustainable. There were no complaints, no problems, as long as you did not have desires. As long as you were simple, and uncomplicated, and innocent as a child. Complicated is equated with something unpleasant, unsustainable, un organic. Utopia of the simple people.

I am intelligent, and capable of processing complicated thoughts but I simplify them, that is my natural instinct. Me, I am complicated, but I like simple. I agree with it, politically.
 One day, a really complicated man came into my life. His was a superior brain, but his psyche was plagued with all sort of maladies. Yet, he seemed incredibly self aware and strong to the naked eye. He claimed to love deeply, yet I felt that his love for me was a game of superiority. He was polyamorous, and I was one of his lovers. It was all completely new to me, I agreed with it, in principle, because it seemed simpler to me than expecting people to control their desires, but I had no desire to be with anyone else. I desired economy, frugality, simplicity. OK, so I'm boring, and the total opposite of AWESOME America, but am I to blame for it?

He had big ideas. They did not involve destruction, but some amount of controlling people. I had to detach myself from him, because it was hurting me. It hurt me to look at him, sometimes, because he did strange and weird things. But he is a sad and lonely person, capable of great things, and in need of love. Thats why he gives so much love. He needs it, for his own survival. Its all give and take for him. Very American. Thats what the culture is about. In India, love is uncondiional. Not only love, but fidelity is uncondtional.

My own relationships in India were complicated on their own. I felt trapped in some of them, although I was deeply attached and invested in the relationship. It drove me to find someone to heal the pain i was going through because of it. I commited adultery. My man could not come to terms with it. It broke him to think I could even think of being with someone else. Nobody he knew felt the pain he felt. There is no one to talk to, in a culture where it is taboo to have nothing but overwhelming all powerful and unbreakable love for the person you have chosen to be with.

You are your own person. You love things in your own way. Do not leave the simple life behind. Beat your mental demons with yoga.